Jandy Nelson's novel I'll Give You the Sun (IGYS) is a text I probably would never have picked on my own without the extra push I received from a fellow reader. This novel challenges many preconceptions I held about LGBTQ literature, and IGYS opened up a genre I must become familiar with to better understand my students. This text is emotional, unique and heart-breaking, pushing me to consider different perspectives of literature I had not yet traversed.
While reading this novel, I encountered many difficult yet intriguing challenges applicable to many youth. These conflicts include sibling rivalry--particularly twin relationships--teens and questions about sex and sexuality, bullying, and family tragedies--specifically extra-marital affairs. Nelson addresses these conflicts in her text and highlights the need for mentors and relationships (not solely sexual relationships but family relationships) to understand and create healthy independent identities.
I grew up the oldest of three children. While I took after our dad,
my younger siblings looked like our mom. Needless to say our differences did
not end there. Growing up together was like a strategy game; we were either
competing or collaborating to earn the most brownie-points with our parents in
hopes of becoming the favorite child. It did not matter that our parents
recognized or avoided favoritism, we were more than aware of parent preference
concerning which child was easier to handle and thus gained more freedom and
liberties (I’ll give you a hint: I think
I won).
I do not necessarily believe sibling rivalry is evil and should be
discouraged, and I do not say that from the victor’s stand. I think some
competition is healthy and pushes a child to strive for success regardless of
obstacles. However, sibling rivalry has the possibility of crossing the line
without the installation of guidelines and responsible refereeing.
Jude and Noah are prime examples of sibling rivalry losing control.
Not only do they feel inadequate compared to their sibling, but they are driven
to bargain or sabotage each other in hopes of acquiring the love and affection
they already have but do not recognize. In light of the conflict born from
their rivalry, Jude and Noah distort their relationship resulting in a
confusing mess of dependency, resentment, identity confusion, and distress.
In her book, The Same but
Different, Dr. Joan A Friedman includes a chapter about twin
relationships that I find insightful, especially when considering the unique
sibling rivalry expressed between IGYS’s twin protagonists. Friedman
discusses three various twin relationships and some of the root causes and
nurturers of such relationships. She goes into depth explaining Codependency, Enmeshment,
and Independent Connection.
Codependency is a stage of dependency in which twins grow dependent
on their twin to complete their identity. For example, one may be socially
inclined creating entertainment and routine for the twins while the other is
more responsible and manages important life decisions. While this is acceptable
in moderation, codependency leaves twins relying on their other to accomplish
what they have come to believe they are incapable of.
Enmeshment is the twin extreme where individual identity is
threatening to the twin relationship. Diversity is discouraged and sameness
must be upheld to protect the sanctity and closeness of the relationship.
Independent Connection is the healthiest twin relationship, as
twins have normal well rounded identities existing independently of their twin.
While the twins may have a close relationship and rely on the other in times of
need, they are aware and capable to take care of themselves, not relying on
their twin to save them, complete them, nor agree with them.
Jude and Noah, I believe, struggle with codependency. While they
struggle to understand the differences between them, the twins rely on the
other to complete their identity. Even Jude, the more independent twin, finds
herself distressed with the lost connection and broken twin-identity she once
had with her brother. While she helped him make friends and socialize, he
comforted her and provided an emotional refuge when she felt alone and betrayed
by their mother.
I have no doubt Friedman would have much to share with Noah and
Jude regarding respect and independence and the importance of those aspects for
becoming healthy individuals.
Part of growing up includes things we may be uncomfortable
discussing with others—I mean discussing under serious terms layered with concern
and possible ignorance. That is correct, I am talking about teens and sex and
sexuality. Friedman noted that romantic relationships could be viewed as
possible threats by twins with excessive dependencies—like Noah and Jude. Indeed,
IGYS reveals such tensions in Noah and Jude’s rivalry and fears for romantic
attention/expression. Regardless of twin closeness, any and all teens struggle
with questions, curiosities and fears about sex. Many feel safer
asking their peers, knowing they very well might get incorrect answers, but
this is a result of fearing negative adult/parent reactions to teen
inquisitiveness about sex and sexuality.
While parents question when is the appropriate time to discuss such
things with their children, one mature teen gives her insight to
teens’ curiosity about sex. In a culture revolving around freedom of sexual
expression, there is a misty field in which teens struggle to identify the
shared grounds of sex and love. In her article, this teen mentions the
commonality of sex in media and literature, how sex and sexuality have become
such common topics of interest that they are everywhere but undiscussed. Regardless
of age, there is a great diversity of maturity among teens of the same age; and
such diversity is important to acknowledge if teens are to recognize their
understanding and readiness to participate in romantic spheres similar to those
they watch on television.
Not only are teens seeking knowledge and understanding regarding
sex, they are also questioning their identity and sexual orientation. When
considering one’s identity and who one desires to open up to in a significant
and impactful relationship, there is intense anxiety and fear of rejection.
These fears are often rationalized and materialized in bullying, particularly
bullying of LGBTQIAs. Despite whether one agrees or disagrees with
someone’s sexual orientation, the harassment and cruelty towards such
individuals is inhumane and destructive. The cruelty Noah experiences just for
his shyness and love of art create an intense anxiety barring him from building
relationships with others. Coupling this with his attempts to understand his
homosexual desires, readers should not be surprised by his emotional isolation
and fear of individual expression.
As if the bullying and anxiety created too little tension in their
lives, Noah and Jude also struggle with their parents’ rocky marriage. While
Jude attempts to hide from the marital turmoil with her rambunctious socialites,
Noah is trapped by guilt, anger, and confusion keeping his mother’s secret: she
is having an affair. Noah’s reaction to this discovery reflects the impact adultery has on children, particularly those who know that their
loyal parent does not. While Noah is not abandoned or rejected by his mother, because
of his disapproval, his conflicting emotions about family, loyalty, and
relationships further complicate his own growth and understandings. Noah
struggles with the truth and how he is to handle the information, something
many children wrestle with upon discovering that one of their parents is
cheating. This issue is common enough that there is even a WikiHow regarding how children could respond and act upon such a discovery. There are
many Noahs hiding secrets and struggling with how to handle them, just as there
are many Judes trying to run away from their problems only to dive into
different ones.
There is much to think about in regards to I’ll Give You the Sun.
Siblings, and especially twins, need guidance and stability to build healthy
independent identities, to have respect for one another, to have confidence to
ask questions free of judgment. Bullying and fear of negative responses push youth away from
mature understanding; identities are abandoned while confusing emotions and thoughts
are left to media, peers, and the internet. However, some people are holding
out a hand to those in need. Because teens need privacy and respect, anonymous
hot lines are available for anyone in desperation who needs someone to talk to.
Trevor Project, for example, was created as a means to aid LGBTQs
considering suicide or risky behavior. Groups and adults like Trevor Project
are important for all youth, because a sad truth is that not all children feel as
if they can rely on an adult; we must become that kind of reliable resource,
judgment free and encouraging. We do not have to betray our values to become a
mentor to those of different faiths or beliefs, but we can recognize that we
are all humans searching for what we hope is right and someone willing to
accept us as an individual of our own creation.
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